Round two

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round2

I feel as though I have not only fallen off the wagon, I’ve fallen off and watched it roll away into the distance over the horizon into the setting sun. Some days I wonder if I am even capable of catching it up, hauling myself back on and getting into the driving seat. But I remind myself I’ve done it before, and I know I can do it again. So I say bring it on!

round-two

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that the festive season is the very hardest time to be sober. That’s why I started with 100% sobriety in July – I was certain that, by the time Christmas rolled around I would be so bloody fine without booze, so totally fixed, that I wouldn’t bat an eyelid as everyone around me imbibed at leisure (and managed to limit themselves – I missed that memo). Anyone reading who is familiar with DBT skills (dialectical behavioural therapy) will most likely have alarm bells going off, sounding something like CLEAN MIND! CLEAN MIND! CLEAN MIND! By December I was complacent, had forgotten to do my homework, pushed aside the radical acceptance that for me, limitation is not an option and so jumped straight back into addict mind, ready to party!

Fast forward a few weeks, I am bleary-eyed, stiff from lack of yoga, sick of the cycle and ready to re-start. As well as catching that goddam wagon and taking a firm hold of the reins, I feel as though I am gearing up for a fight, mobilising my troops, drawing the battle lines. I am refusing to catastrophize these few weeks as I have to believe there is still so much left to aim for. Things only become a cliche because they are true, and the truism I am reminding myself of just now is that this is all part of the journey. There are no dead-ends and as one of my children’s favourite book says “We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we’ll have to go through it.” (We’re going on a Bear Hunt)

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One of my biggest strengths is my sociability. Some see the ease with which others share their truths and stories as negative traits, a sign somehow of weakness, that to display our weaknesses somehow compounds our frailty as a person. I disagree. To err is human, as we all well know, and to pretend otherwise is duping others and ourselves. This time, more than ever, I am going to own my journey, my stories, my truths. I stand by who I am, I like who I am and these beliefs will get me through the knowledge that I don’t always like what I do. What I do is not me, does not define me and the further along this path I get, the deeper I delve into the exploration the more certain I become of this.

My troops are many and varied, all are vital in some way and will serve me over the course of the battle in their own way. They include

  • Hip Sobriety school with Holly Whittaker
  • Home podcast – I am going to work my way through the episodes while working my way through my ironing pile, me time + a sense of accomplishment from ticking off a chore. Laura and Holly are the most inspiring presenters and seem to give their hearts and souls to their listeners. Knowing that women who I admire so much have come from a similar place as me and made it to the other side means so much, gives such hope.
  • Febfast – love the cause, love the sense of accountability it brings.
  • 40 days of mantras from Hipsobriety. I got about three quarters of the way through this last year before getting distracted, I am going to go through them again in my morning meditation time. So well put together.
  • Jenny, my lovely psychologist whose words at our last meeting keeping playing over and over in my head. She said, “I take you as I find you.” These perhaps are the very most important words to say to someone embarking on any journey of self-awareness, and particularly recovery. Knowing that the shame you may feel yourself is not universally felt towards you, knowing you are free to be yourself, whoever that is at any particular time, is everything.
  • Yoga Sivana – not only are the classes at this beautiful studio fantastically well taught, the teachers are real, grounded, fallible people who teach from the heart and encourage their students to listen to theirs.
  • Meditation – twice daily and booked in as Mum’s absolute ‘do not disturb’ time.
  • Planning – planning meals, activities, keeping busy. Planning also for downtime, reading time, me time.
  • Writing – keeping up with more on here, pitching more ideas, working on the novel – sitting down at the desk. Like getting onto the mat, once I am here, tapping away, I feel as though I am where I’m meant to be.
  • 21 day yoga challenge with Wanderlust
  • Sharing – such an important element and one I often struggle with. I am going to lean on my friends, accept help when it’s offered and be open to advice knowing it is given in love. I am going to keep in better touch with those who live far away and remind them and myself how important they are to me. DBT recommends ‘publicly announcing abstinence’ and for me it helps if I feel accountable somehow.
  • Exercise – early morning walking always makes me feel like I am ready to face the day.
  • Playing games with the boys. It is so important to replace the seedy drinking time with fun and silliness. I am constantly wishing they wouldn’t grow up so quickly. I need to enjoy the time with them more. 
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We played backyard cricket at sunset the other day – best fun. Slight problem with balls on roofs but it added to the interest!

Can anyone add to my battle plan? I think it’s pretty comprehensive but perhaps there is something that has worked for you that you think I could try? Feel free to get in touch with suggestions.

My heart is wide open, I’m ready to learn.

“It’s times like these we learn to live again.” (Dave Grohl)

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9 responses »

  1. beautiful brave friend. I have so much admiration for you, your authenticity and skill with words. such a gift to share your journey and helps me feel ok with areas of brokenness in my world. xxx

  2. OK you dropped off the wagon and now you are getting back on, good for you. Sometimes it is hard to do it all alone. Are there any AA groups near you?

    • Hi Carole Anne, thank you for your support. I did go to one meeting and simply sat there and cried. All the people were lovely – and normal, so like me! I do probably need to go again but the thing that puts me off is feeling a pressure to talk. I don’t want to be a hanger on, I would want to contribute. I suppose I could build up to it. I have joined a couple of online communities, HSM, Hip Sobriety, both of which I like. Realised I didn’t put HSM on my list though. I’ve found in the past it can give me permission almost to drink as I always knew I could rely on lovely support if I went on and posted about a ‘failure’. Anyway, sorry for the waffle and thank you again for the support. J xx

  3. Wow, just found your blog and I love it! I am impressed with your determination. I always tried to hide the fact that I was trying not to drink … and I usually didn’t get far. It also took me several 3, 5, and 7 month tries before adding up to my personal best (9 months and counting). It did take me a while to get my sober ducks in a row. It sounds like you are doing everything amazingly right to me. I have great faith in your journey. ; )

    xoxo

    • Thank you so much. Yes, I was speaking to a friend who had heard it takes on average about 7 attempts to get it right. I have to say, I’m not sure how many I would consider myself to be on, this I would say is my fourth really serious attempt and I’m hoping as you say, that my ducks might line up, stars align etc. I begin a course tomorrow through Hip Sobriety which should take care of the next eight weeks at least. Well done getting to nine months. Let me know when you reach the year! Thanks so much for your support. Hope to ‘chat’ again. J xx

      • Thank you, Julia. I so admire how you are ‘taking the bull by the horns’ with your sobriety. And if the average person takes seven attempts, I am a very slow learner. Better late than never!
        I look forward to watching your meteoric rise from the ashes, Julia. ; )
        xoxo
        Shawna

  4. Ahhh we hear ya Yoga Sister..! My intuition has been going off.. I even looked to see if you’d been coming to class & sighed a sigh of relief when I saw you were in Yin on Wednesday.. we’ve had a Christmas gift at the studio for you..! My partner is going 365 sober17 ..& for good measure I’m supporting him.. so we will be literally in there with you!! See you in class soon 😘

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