Category Archives: Uncategorized

Last view before leaving

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Goodbye Sydney, see you soon!

Goodbye Sydney, see you soon!

Despite all of my planning and Andrew’s househusbandry capabilities, Sam had the last word when, asked by his Kindy teacher whether Daddy could cook he replied straight-faced, “No, not really.  I think we’ll have to eat a lot of McDonalds.” 

However, we are undaunted and between us are all systems go.  Thank you Andrew for giving me this break, I know you will take the best care of our boys.

Check list

2 Kgs Sausages – check

3 tubs of curry – check

24 muffins – check

3 packets of bacon – check

2 dozen eggs – check

Bumper boxes of fish fingers and oven chips – check

Reassurance that they will not starve achieved – check

Fully stocked

Laundry up to date (like this is ever achievable) – check

Schedule written out – oops, leaving boys to remember library bags/sport,I never get it right anyway

Pants (underpants) on four year old (last time in ten days I should think) – check

Daddy-cam, (aka Jingles or Jingle bear bear as the boys call him) set up – check (I wish!)

Daddycam

Tears kept at bay (so far) – check

Presents (book, matchbox car, spud gun, sweeties) put on pillows – check

Last coffee at the Source drunk – check

Watered the sweet peas – check

Knowledge that that boys will have a ball firmly in place – check

Hard ball of anxiety expanding in stomach – check check check

Honestly, you’d think I was going to Outer Mongolia or beginning a life sentence!!  Overthinking is my forte, what can I say.  I will miss my darling boys so so much, it still feels almost unnatural to imagine myself so far from them, however…

Excitement building – check.

My hands are shaking as I sit at my familiar desk (written at home in the main) tapping the familiar keys about to embark on an altogether unfamiliar journey.  Deep breaths.  I will make the most of this trip, seeing my very dearest friends and family, and stay mindful that the absence will strengthen the bond with my most important people of all, my darling sons William, Sam and Edward (or Eggward as many in Mosman have come to know him.)  Stay safe, wherever you are, whatever you do.  I love you. X

boys outside house

A long way to stretch…..

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Family portrait by Edward

I read about a new app the other day which keeps parents up to date with the minutiae of their children’s lives whilst at daycare. Apparently it’s becoming more common to keep closer tabs on your little ones (details of nappy changes snacks on your day ‘off’, really?) and the dad quoted in the article said it helped him to feel more connected.  I have written in the past (in To my gorgeous boys) about my struggle with the transition when my youngest went to pre-school but now, though of course I miss him, I I relish those ten hours per week when I am in charge of me and me alone.  Sometimes I find myself standing staring into space and I wonder how long I have been there, undisturbed by tugging hands, pleading voices, the internal nag that steers me to the next task.

However, my enjoyment is couched in the knowledge that, at the sound of the bored school secretary’s voice I will drop everything and run to comfort them through whatever bang, scrape or ear infection is afflicting them this time. I have had no competing priority for over eight years and I marvel at those mums working away from home who have to juggle and sacrifice and yet who still manage to have a far more organised and tidy home than me!  But in a week this will, for a short period, all change.  I will be on the other side of the world, in a different time zone, unaware of what they had for breakfast, how their mood is when they finish school, how they feel as they go to bed.  I will not be the primary contact number.  I am well aware that I probably sound like an over-protective, possessive nutter of a mother and perhaps you are reading this thinking ‘phew, lucky boys having a break’.  The thought of saying this about myself would have had be rolling in the aisles before now but I will now admit it, I am a control freak when it comes to my children.

I have never been very good with change, preferring instead the comfortable known of home, people and familiar things.  But I am realising that to be a parent, and a good parent, it is important to be, if not adept, then adequate at handing change.  Life feels like a constant transition at the moment, and there is a skill in making the most of transition, stepping carefully through the open door before you rather than hammering on the one behind that has slammed shut.

This is why I have explained to them why I am going, and why I am incredibly excited about seeing friends who I have not seen for years, one in particular who has had a tough few months and whose courage and resilience I have cheered on from afar.  Just imagining giving her a hug when I see her for the first time is at once quite unbelievable and truly thrilling.  It makes me grin from ear to ear imagining our pyjama party next weekend, a boarding school throwback twenty-two years on.

So, I will FaceTime my boys while sharing time with special special friends and family.  I have told them that they can call me whenever they want to, day or night.  I considered getting  a sim card for my old phone in order for them to have a ‘direct line’  to me (as opposed to just using Daddy’s account, what was I thinking?).  But I am finding it hard. When William says “I don’t want Mummy to go to Scotland and England”, my heart breaks a little but thrills a little too, it extrapolates the unspoken love between us, verbalises the normally non-verbal, taken for granted, deeply fixed, unconditional love and unbreakable bond.  I am holding them just that little bit more often, that little bit closer, that little bit tighter as I try to imprint the feeling of their peachy skin, the weight of their little bodies, the smell and tickle of their hair as I put my face to the top of their heads.  Most of the time this is greeted with a “gerroff Mum”, as they peer around me back to the book or screen I am rudely interrupting but I hope it is imprinting me onto them too.

I have bought three books in duplicate, one copy of which I will hide for them to find and the other of which I will take with me in order to read stories together.  I will probably write them notes and no-doubt bug Andrew beyond belief with annoying instructions and questions.  Overthinking things?  Of course, I’m a control freak remember.

I have always been relieved that my boys weren’t ‘runners’, when out and about.  I have always imagined us attached by a piece of elastic, rather like a manic three/ eight legged race.  When other parents have run after offspring I have been relaxed, always sure in the knowledge mine wouldn’t stray far and that they would ping back.  That elastic certainly has its work cut out.

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When your heart misses a beat.

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risk averse parents

I have a son who does not sit down unless he has to.  There are a few things that can hold his attention for a short while but he rarely sees a film through to the end, he leaves lego models half finished and the number of circulation-stopping loom bracelets I own is ridiculous as he is determined always to get to the end and onto the next thing.

He is also stoic and straightforward, wearing his heart on his size six sleeve.  Which is why when he says he feels ill I know it probably means really ill.

Our wonderful GP* squeezed us in yesterday after she saw him and quickly told me this was a hospital job.  He had been complaining of a sore head and by the time we saw her was visably agitated and upset.  He could also barely open his eyes on account of the light, had a sore neck and was ready to fall asleep in an instant.  The word meningitis, dreaded by parents everywhere was mentioned, quickly followed by ‘slow bleed’. My god.

Thank the lord I have a most wonderful reliable friend with a son the same age as my youngest who we see every Tuesday and who we dropped the little brother off with.  She is also a nurse who is married to a doctor who used to be head of the ER at the very hospital we were en route to. I was garbling about the snacks I’d stuffed into a pillowcase when she gently said, “Jules, you need to get going to the hospital.”  I don’t know if it was a subliminal attempt to show my lack of panic or just my internal turmoil coming out as ‘look, I’m still in control, I haven’t forgotten everything.’

Having scribbled a note of apology to display I left the car in a disabled spot and half carried Sam to A & E (I would love to have carried him but he weighs half as much as me) we were rushed through to have him assessed.  Having kept him awake in fear of what might happen if I didn’t (yes, too much ‘medical’ knowledge gleaned from TV), the registrar prescribed pain relief, darkness and observation.   After the longest day we witnessed the fastest recovery.  He slept, holding fast to his two toy rabbits.  He was listless when he woke up but asked for juice, after which the world seemed to right itself.

My heart slowly slowly inched back into my chest from my throat where it had been residing for the past few hours.  The ‘second opinion’ doctor checked him out, pronounced a virus whose name I can’t remember but whose symptoms mirror those of meningitis and prescribed nothing more than R & R and close observation.

I clutched my abacus necklace and moved my fingers over the tiny rings, reminding myself to count my blessings.  This is how I think of this necklace, a gift from my grandparents after a trip to Thailand when I was not much older than my sons.  It lay unworn and unloved for years.  Now, I use it as a reminder not to take life for granted.

We are truly lucky but so much of the time it takes a period of difficulty or upset to remind us so.  The illness of our children, when their life, which we protect with every fibre of our being and ounce of will seems to be out of our hands, is terrifying, however benign the end result and dramatic the recovery.

Our utter vulnerability as parents and our children’s total oblivion to the fact should be a recipe for paranoia and constant questioning.  Thankfully their innate trust and our instinctive judgement (most of the time) coupled with the hilarity and craziness of family life (ditto) means we muddle happily through life, most of the time.

 

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Lucky lucky me

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Matching nails after my pre-school pampering session, thank you gorgeous Edward.xx

Matching nails after my pre-school pampering session, thank you gorgeous Edward.xx

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day here in Australia, a day when little fingers fumble with unfamiliar domestic tasks to spread jam stickily over toast, and little mouths pucker up to give extra kisses.  It is also a day of sadness for so many without their darling mums.  We always think of Granny Heather and keenly feel her absence.  I mourn her especially for my boys who she so adored.

Granny Heather with William, who turns eight tomorrow, on New Year's Eve 2007.

Granny Heather with William, who turns eight tomorrow, on New Year’s Eve 2007.

The most poignant moment of Sunday was following a family in the Mother’s Day Classic who wore on their backs a variety of messages for one person; ‘Mum’, ‘Mother-in-law’ and ‘Grandma’ scribbled in a childish hand.  The atmosphere at the event struck me again, the hope and determination of everyone there palpable.

MDC 'selfie' with Carm, remembering her Mum.

MDC ‘selfie’ with Carm, remembering her Mum.

Dressing gowns, big hair, loving the sea of pink.

Dressing gowns, big hair, loving the sea of pink.

 

We bumped into some friends of ours, a family who, like us, has three boys who are being asked at the moment for bravery such as is asked of too many as they support their mum through her treatment.  Seeing them walking together (Mum too) was inspiration indeed. My love to all those I know who are fighting this dreadful illness.  You are all, without exception, unspeakably brave and I am proud to be your friend.

Setting off - the boys were not in the mood for photos at 7.30 am!

Setting off – the boys were not in the mood for photos at 7.30 am!

My friend, a fellow supporter of the bumbling Scottish rugby team, was at the forefront of my mind.

My friend, a fellow supporter of the bumbling Scottish rugby team, was at the forefront of my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was also the very lucky recipient of some thoughtful and beautiful gifts…

William was persuaded by the best year 6 sales patter to purchase some night cream - "you put in on before you go to sleep Mummy and you wake up beautiful"...oh for the hope of youth.  Thank you my divine eldest child!

William was persuaded by the best year 6 sales patter to purchase some night cream – “you put in on before you go to sleep Mummy and you wake up beautiful”…oh for the hope of youth. Thank you my divine eldest child!

Luckily I get a yes whenever I need a hug, but just in case... (By the way, I did get a pressie from Sam - a bag of delicious choc chip cookies, eaten before they could be photographed!

Luckily I get a yes whenever I need a hug, but just in case…
(By the way, I did get a pressie from Sam – a bag of delicious choc chip cookies, eaten before they could be photographed!

Edward's teacher made much of the attention to detail he showed when composing this portrait - a little too much for my liking since he insisted on some brown as well as yellow for the hair.  Time for a touch-up of the old roots!

Edward’s teacher made much of the attention to detail he showed when composing this portrait – a little too much for my liking since he insisted on some brown as well as yellow for the hair. Time for a touch-up of the old roots!

Running – and even walking – for cancer.

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cancernuts

 

GO AND MAKE A CUP OF TEA – this will take five minutes…

This weekend will see me take part in the Mother’s Day Classic for the second year.  Last year it was officially a BIG DEAL and I raised well over $1000 for a gorgeous wee boy with Neuroblastoma (Darcy has just had an MRI check up and things are looking really good, hooray).

This year, despite giving up the vino again (and no-one is paying me this time!), I am going to power-walk it as running hurts my poor old joints suffered too much (and yes, I didn’t start training soon enough, at all in fact).  But I have made sure my jaw muscles are in good working order as I am walking alongside a friend with whom I could talk the hind legs off the poor proverbial donkey.

But I thought to get everyone in the mood and to highlight the huge importance of events such as this in raising awareness, funds and support for those battling this hideous disease I would post my memories of my run last year, it was such a high.

Thinking of all those this weekend for whom Mother’s Day (and every other day) is about so much more than breakfast in bed and bath salts – hold your families close everyone.

Memories of MDC 2013

When I committed to participate in the 2013 Mother’s Day Classic around the Domain in Sydney I had no idea what to expect or whether I could even manage it.  My goals though, were reasonable:  to get around the 8KM run in under an hour and to raise as much money as I could for Darcy, a little boy I know who was fighting Neuroblastoma, a rare childhood cancer.  All this was to be done after a month of intense training while also foregoing alcohol.

I had never been one for setting myself rigid goals so, in order to keep me on the straight and narrow, I started a blog, meaning I was publicly accountable.  That, and the interest and encouragement of my three young sons (the eldest of whom is Darcy’s age) kept me going through some tough times.  Probably worth mentioning is the fact that I am practically allergic to organised sport.  The last time I had seen the inside of a gym was before getting married (eight years before), when I employed the slowest setting on the X-trainer in order to read (and flash around) my bridal mags.  Before that was the half-match I played for the U14 hockey team at school (such a novelty my darling Dad made a six hour round trip, really).  I run around all the time in daily life but as far as real fitness goes I was definitely at the wrong end of any scale.  Also, while I’m not ready to check into rehab, I do, like many people probably imbibe a little more than the guidelines recommend, so a whole month without was definitely daunting.

I started confidently, walking early in the mornings before the getting-ready-for-school-rush began.  I commended myself on my energy and knew this was in large part due to teetotal early nights.  I enjoyed a casual Friday evening dinner with friends on nothing stronger than lime and soda and the next day to celebrate my clear head I got up early and ran, using my snazzy new watch to note time (long), distance (short), number of stops (too many).  Despite the stats, I was thrilled, this summed up the new me – focused, energised and committed.  At a boozy Sunday lunch my craving for a G&T was strong but while everyone else got stuck in I meekly sipped mineral water and drove my merry husband home.

Monday saw me undertake my most serious run yet.  I ran for almost half an hour, half my target time.  I was elated upon arriving home as a red, sweaty mess; I believed for the first time that I might actually make it round the course without requiring the attentions of the lovely people at the St John’s Ambulance station.  On my blog I published a map of my route, my time, my feelings of jubilation.

On Tuesday morning disaster struck.  When I woke up my left ankle was the size of a balloon and it hurt, it really hurt.  It reminded my six year old of an elephant’s leg; “You know Mum, how they go all the way down the same size?”  Yes, I know.  I wept, I railed against the unfairness of it.  I hadn’t twisted it, missed my footing or done anything out of the ordinary that I was aware of.  My husband gently applied ice and comforting words, going in late to work having taken the older boys to school.

I felt idiotic and, more importantly, really worried that I was going to let people down.  I had been making much of my self-imposed month of wholesomeness and the money had begun to roll in.  I was getting as much of a kick out of every dollar donated as I had from my evening tipple.  I was making a difference, and for that to be taken from me felt cruel.  The only thing to do was to apply the RICE technique (rest, ice, compression, elevation), easier said than done when you have a household of boys to look after.  I hobbled onwards; I played on the challenge of abstinence.

In the remaining three weeks I managed only one more run of significance and that was not pretty.  People were kind; it was for a good cause, I was still sticking to half the battle, as long as I made it round, even crawling, it would count.  I exceeded the fundraising goal I’d set which only served to make me increase it.  My boys asked almost daily ‘How much have we raised for Darcy?’  Were it not for their involvement, excitement and pride I doubt I’d have made the starting line.

The day before the run I felt sick, I iced my ankle (once back from the boys morning activities, having made lunch, hung the washing out, you get the picture), laid out my running uniform complete with attractive new tubi-grips.  I tried not to snap at the kids.  I tried to sleep.

I saw the dawn on the morning of the run and attempted to go along with the cheerfulness that was affecting the rest of the family as we embarked on this fabulous adventure.  I wanted to shut myself in the loo and hide.  We caught the bus and began to sense the atmosphere.  The smattering of pink increased as we hurtled towards the city.  Once there the rush was intense.  The emotion was palpable and tears were never far away.  Just reading the tribute cards pinned to participants’ backs was enough to set me off.  I’ve always been a crier when nervous but weeping while in the queue for a portaloo at 7.00am was not something I had predicted.

I found my friend who was running her third Mother’s Day Classic in memory of her Aunt and who was hoping to improve her record of 50 minutes.  She propelled me to the start.  I was shaking, afraid and utterly convinced that I could not do this.  I hadn’t said a proper goodbye to my boys.  I looked for them amongst the sea of faces but couldn’t find them.  All of a sudden there was a hush and a countdown and we were off.  I was running, I was there, it was happening whether I liked it or not.  About 30 meters beyond the start I heard ‘Mummy, Mummy, go Mummy!’ and there they were, in a cleverly found gap.  I gasped, I grinned and I galloped.  I could do this; I would do it for them.

The collective noise of thousands of tapping feet provided a metronomic effect.  We were an army marching against an awful, strangulating disease.  Thousands of families around the world are devastated on a daily basis as their hopes are destroyed and loved ones taken.  Those hopes are never in vain and on that beautiful May morning that was writ large as memories and optimism in equal measure jogged alongside us.  There was an eerie morning fog cocooning the harbour.  Coming around the bend of Mrs Macquarie’s Chair the city rose like Atlantis from the deep.  Angelic hosts appearing atop the rays of sunshine that pierced the clouds would have been in keeping such was the spectacle of the occasion and the setting.

Embarking on my second lap was one of the very hardest parts.  I had lost my friend long before; I was keeping my own pace and finding my own way.  The novelty of the drinking stations had worn off (it was a weird experience seeing them holding out water for me, I wanted to look behind me at the real runner), I was being passed by what felt like hundreds of people and I was sore.

My mind began to wander.  I thought of the imagination of children when I remembered my five year old’s description of the weather including ‘fog drops’.  I thought of Darcy what he and his family were enduring.  Then I passed my patiently waiting family and my boys began to run alongside me.  Suddenly I was at the 5km mark and I sensed possibility. I was in a bubble of determination; thanks to the fog and my family I refused to think of anything other than crossing that line.

Someone had been clever with their marshalling choice for the 7km mark.  Encouraging words, spoken from the heart from someone who could have been your Mum, or your sister or your friend.  The end was in sight, my boys were waiting and I went for it.  So what if hurt, I would heal.  I crossed the line one minute and fifty-nine seconds to spare.  I laughed and cried in exhilaration.  I hugged my family and held them close.  What a rush, what an honour and privilege it was to be part of something that hopeful, that determined.  The best bit?  Hearing the pride (tinged with incredulity) in their voices as my sons said ‘You did it Mum.’

 

MDC 2013 - the best finishing prize ever.

MDC 2013 – the best finishing prize ever.

Birthday parties – why we bother…

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The cake! Dave the Minion with balloons.

I hope that you, unlike my husband, read the title correctly.  When shared it with him, he chuckled and thought it must be composed of one long moan having automatically inserted a ‘do’ in between ‘why’ and ‘we’.  But not so.  I am, in fact, saying hurrah for the children’s party.  For all the work and stress (and not even thinking about the utter annihilation of the house), the excitement and joy that those two hours bring are worth it all in my book.

Last weekend we threw Edward his first proper party for his fourth birthday.  I think up until pre-school the party is more about the parents congratulating themselves on surviving this far isn’t it?  He had his heart set on a minion theme.  It is amazing how many people are unfamiliar with minions, compared to those to us for whom Dave, Tim, Larry, Evil purple et al are like common acquaintances.  Just another minor divide between parents and those who live in the real world and whose acquaintances are not made out of plasticine (mostly).

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Even the Source got into the minion swing of things, thanks BJ!

One lovely thing about this party was how excited and involved the big brothers were.  I had literally nothing to do with the invitation; it was designed, printed and written out by William whose PowerPoint skills (honed through weekly presentations on such things as the life cycle of grasshoppers, rugby union and Hereford Cattle – thanks for the help Uncle Robert) already put mine to shame.  It was vital, according to the eight year old to put together a brilliant playlist (What?  To make sure ‘pass the parcel’ goes with a bang?  Liven up musical statues?), resulting in one of the most fun party planning sessions we held (the catering meeting was less amicable once I said no to Happy Meals – with Coke – followed by bubble gum).  I am pleased to say the soundtrack included some songs I actually liked – in between Bruno Mars and Alvin and the Chipmunks singing Party Rock.  Much as the footage of the boys dancing (I feared for life and limb while filming this) to this song will amuse me forever I never thought I would see the day when my music collection would include the soundtrack to ‘Chipwrecked.’

The morning of the party saw William and me answering the door at 7.15am in my pyjamas to the man with the bouncy castle which prompted an outburst from William ‘But his van’s so small.’ (Sorry William)

The extra time on the castle, we had assumed would allow us peace from small people in order to fling everything into our bedroom to impose a phony tidiness on the house (I always worry for people whose bedroom doors are open to the public).  What eventuated was the cancellation of the party roughly 27 times in two hours – once when we patently knew people would be turning into our street.

Anyway, the party was a great success and Edward had an absolute ball with lots of his friends, and lots of our friends all being there for him.  I don’t mean that to sound as though he enjoyed being the centre of attention for the sake of it (but he did!), more that it meant so much to us all to have our house full of the happiness and laughter of people we love.  That is why I say hurrah for the birthday party.  It can encompass all that is well and good and working in a child’s life.  Friends are being made, relationships apart from the family forged and the coming together of this at a party is beautiful to see.  Childhood relationships, based on playing in a mutually fun and engaging way which is, in turn, being nurtured by the establishment responsible for the child while he or she is away from the family are so crucially important I think for a child’s sense of well-being.

In another layer during the party, the child sees the relationships between his siblings and their friends and his parents and their friends.  This gives him confidence to establish bonds that he believes and invests in, knowing many will have long-term value.

Living life as an expat family is full of ups and downs.  There is the constant push and pull of here and there.  I have written before about my thoughts on ‘home’ which I suppose at the very lease means I had a happy childhood.  I can certainly remember many parties; birthdays spent doing treasure hunts and pram races on the front lawn, Easter celebrations amid the daffodils, ‘pit’ parties in Roxburgh, Halloween parties in Sprouston (where older brothers and sisters wreaked their revenge for smaller ones annoyances throughout the year), the village bonfire, the Christmas Eve drinks where Robert and I would revel in being ‘looked after’ by the teenagers (probably a ruse by the parents to stop the older ones sneaking a few Archers and lemonade!).  All of these happened in a close and comforting circle of which our family was a part.

It suddenly struck me last weekend (you’d think I might have got here sooner I know), that it is our turn now to create the same for our children.  The first names on Edward’s list (at the inaugural minion party meeting) were those of the gorgeous family friends we have made, as though no party would be complete without them first and foremost.  Coupled with his closest friends from school, we were a very happy band with a very excited, very lucky boy in our midst.

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Boys…in multiple

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It takes a woman of a certain disposition to mother boys (that is supposed to be plural, I am sure one gorgeous specimen is generally a breeze).  This might come naturally to some but if it doesn’t you will soon learn to adopt it – or suffer I fear.  If you were a Daddy’s Girl growing up or are the lucky sort of female on whom men bestow compliments and favours (and I am neither), your journey might be even more tricky as boys do not treat their mothers with the reverence and adoration I was led to believe.  Despite what I was assured by a great number of older ladies when the boys were small, I am not treated like a queen, in fact, many is the time I have had cause to exclaim with gusto, ‘this isn’t a bloody cafe’ and even ‘what did your last slave die of?’ The latter was actually a conversation stopper as the boys vacillated between wondering guiltily whose demise they had in advertantly caused and pondering whether they were, in fact, allowed a slave (resulting in my initial point being lost entirely).

Even for those of us with brothers – who fought madly with brothers no less and would proudly claim our lack of princess-y qualities – the sheer physicality of boys, especially when they are in plural, is astounding.  Mine at least seem quite incapable of watching TV, playing Lego, playing in the garden without poking and prodding and just physically winding each other up.  The testosterone seems to be more concentrated as the number of brothers increases too; does anyone else find they get more and more boy-like?  Edward might as well have entered the world saying “put your dooks up” or in Scrappy-doo speak “lemme at ‘em”, the ‘em’ being his big brothers.

 A new friend of mine from the US recently shared with me, as we watched our boys rolling about on the ground after football training, that she had been told this is how boys fill their love buckets.  My sons have numerous buckets and they are all bloody overflowing. 

There is nothing subtle about my children (though in my experience there is nothing subtle about most men so I don’t know why I’m surprised by this).  What you see is what you get, which lots of people tell me makes them more straightforward than girls but also means that every emotion is writ large; things are either awesome or the absolute end of the world.  ‘I hate you’ is unfortunately heard often, directed at a brother for pinching a toy or a parent for suggesting teeth brushing.   I have, thankfully, developed great fortitude in this area and manage, mostly, not to take it personally.  It does also mean I am treated to sudden explosive (and often physical, I have been knocked to the ground by a joyful hug) outpourings of love which I wish I could bottle since the feeling it creates beats any other high.

The knock-on effect of this un-subtle way of being in the world is the offence or worry caused to others.  I have had a lovely old dear in our local supermarket (which a friends mum has nicknamed God’s waiting room on account of the demographic of the customers) say to me “I was really worried about that little boy”, as I browsed a pop-up clothes stall while Edward stroked the handrail on the escalator (shocking, I know).  I’m not even sure she knew he was mine, I think she just needed to share her concern with the closest person.  I’m sure she was quite horrified by my casual, ‘oh, I’m sure he’s fine’ in response, expecting I suppose to galvinise me into action being a younger and possibly responsible person.  I probably disappointed her in that, but I’ve developed what I like to think of a knack for knowing when to intervene with my boys, which perhaps doesn’t always come across so well.

Yesterday they did me proud though as we spent the entire day hanging around Willoughby shuttling from swimming to park to swimming to indoor play centre to train station to collect Andrew and then back to swimming again (yes, the boys were very weary).  They barely fought (I had planned like a demon and had many distractions and much food) or complained as we pinged in and out of the car.  They probably did have rather more sugar than usual (travel sweet game anyone?) but when, being the last to leave Wizzy World they took it upon themselves to tidy the whole of the baby area, I thought I would burst with pride (whether filling the house up with balls and jamming as many soft blocks as possible to the climbing structure is the usual method employed by staff I wouldn’t know).  What I would like to know is why, having demonstrated their outstanding skill in housework, I am still their slave.

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For my next trick…

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Happiness is...

Happiness is…

One year ago today I started this blog, then called ‘me without sav b’. It marked the beginning of a month of abstinence while I trained to run the Mothers Day Classic four weeks later. I raised over $1000 for a boy called Darcy (who is the same age as William on whose birthday Darcy’s treatment began), who was undergoing treatment for the awful childhood cancer neuroblastoma.  I would like to think that people sponsored me to run – I am no runner – but, truth be told, it was probably as much about my forgoing of alcohol as the exercise. Recording my month ‘off’ ensured I was accountable. This in turn helped make the venture much easier. For this reason, among others, I have decided to ‘go public’ with my latest undertaking – a twelve month stretch off the booze. Here’s why (stop reading now Mum):

Following a particularly vile hangover, details of which I won’t inflict on you, I came to the realisation that I was missing too much of life to carry on in this vein. I have been stressed, crabbit, disorganised, forgetful and only just managing to keep up with the day to day tasks of managing a family of five. Everything was last minute, I thrived on pressure, – or so I thought – all mothers of young children need something to help them cope with the daily grind, the expectations, the sheer bloody monotony that accompanies this choice. And yet a few months before I had begun a fledgling career as a writer, people paid me for words, one of the things I love most in the word. But it seemed that the more I drank, the less the words refused to flow. And the early mornings stopped, and the unhappier I became, and the greater the need for that ‘witching hour’ snifter became and with it the loss of another evening.

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I have signed up to do a 12 month HSM through Hello Sunday Morning, an amazing and inspiring organisation which aims to ‘change your relationship with alcohol one Sunday at time.’ You can be as active or passive as you like once you have completed a short profile – there is real support from people of all walks of life in many countries and at various stages on their personal journey. You can set yourself goals, large or small and tick them off as you go. Checking in, monitoring progress would not be for everyone but I find it invaluable.

I am claiming my evenings back, and the early mornings, sometimes featuring a walk with friends in whom I have confided and who are my cheer squad. The fog is lifting. I am still forgetful and disorganised but some things I might have to admit are just me (I’ve always joked that I was born to be blonde after all) which I can live with.   What I can’t live with is the knowledge that I am failing to do everything in my power to live a happy and fulfilled life, thereby hopefully passing on positive examples and ethos to my children. There is no doubt that even in the 13 (count them!) days since ditching the vino I am a nicer wife and mother. I have oodles more patience and I’m simply enjoying my family again, laughing at their foibles, giving them more time.

Lorna Jane (a trendy exercise-wear shop for those of you not familiar) featured a slogan in their window a couple of months ago that I read every morning on the school run: ‘Be the best version of yourself you can be.’ I can now say proudly that I am trying.

Quite.

Quite.

 

 

Warning: this post may make you itch…

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Image  Even SJP can’t escape!  Luckily I work from home!

As mentioned here before, I now have Thursdays and Fridays to myself, sans offspring. I have got into a routine after enjoying a coffee at The Source post drop-off. On Thursdays I try to catch up on the housework (I spent almost an hour yesterday simply walking around the house returning things to their rightful homes before I could even see huge areas of the floor, getting distracted by facebook and daydreaming about the work I will do on Friday, mostly failing to write it down so that, come Friday I can’t remember any of the brilliant ideas I intended to work on. So on Fridays I try to work – and end up procrastinating by writing a non-earning blog post such as this (sponsorship always welcome though NOT related to this post…).

Last week I had a break from the norm: I had a treatment. ‘Ooh, lovely’, is what you’re thinking now isn’t it? You’re imagining white fluffy towels, unctuous lotions, warm flowing water – am I close? Tick, tick and tick, BUT, add in a vicious metal-toothed comb, the tell-tale pong of tea-tree, and my head upside down in my own (not very clean) shower and suddenly it’s a different picture altogether. Yes, you’ve got it – I self-administered a nit treatment.

I have forced Andrew to check and re-check but all that resulted from his devoted ministrations was a belt around the chops after he dared to step into the danger territory that comes with a mention of greying. (Even my five year old has more sensitivity in this area – while tidying up Lego the other day he told me my hair at the top was lovely and ‘sparkly’ and what woman of a certain age doesn’t want to be described as sparkly?) I have even braved the hairdresser – though not for a while obviously – ready to be discreetly shown out the back door with nary a foil near my poor root-ridden bonce, but no, the lovely Katrina gamely persevered and also found no evidence of blood sucking critters. But still I was not convinced – something was causing the agonising itching.

Most nights, at some point, I wake up beside, not my dear snoring husband, but my angelic-looking youngest son. He creeps through in the wee small hours and snuggles down really really close to me, showing me such love and devotion that his many daily misdemeanours are nightly forgiven. However, it suddenly dawned me that perhaps it was his nightly misdemeanour I should be worrying about, being a lot stealthier, a lot more insidious, and, for a change, utterly innocent.

So last Friday I went for it, bravely gritting my teeth as the comb ripped my hair from my scalp – ‘it will all be worth it’ I told myself. I was almost looking forward to seeing the evidence, to proving my theory correct and showing those who had checked previously wrong (though common sense would suggest that if there was anything – or indeed anyone – to tease-out then getting a full-head of highlights might be the way). I remember the first time I de-loused Sam, the sense of accomplishment was so addictive we sat through a whole Ninjago DVD while I hunted the buggers down and banished them from my precious child. I began with the same gusto last Friday, not allowing myself to become disheartened when the prodigious tugging produced no results. But by the end I had to admit it, all I had succeeded in doing was thinning my hair (helpful perhaps given the damp weather we’re having) and making myself smell like a health food shop by engulfing myself in a fug of tea-tree.

I have since checked all three boys and none has nits (we have not yet ruled out Andrew though!). I should of course have started there, and probably tried changing my shampoo. I’ve now done that and it seems to have done the trick, hallelujah!  Sometimes the solution – pun intended – is staring you right in the face.

My apologies if I’ve made you itch! Wishing you all a fun, bug-free weekend.

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Motherhood Survival Club

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Yesterday I saw a mum sitting with her two sons outside a café burst into tears as one of them dropped a piece of the jigsaw puzzle he was tackling for what must have been the umpteenth time.  His wails of frustration combined with her unchecked tears told me a very familiar story.  I considered asking if she was ok but resisted as she almost visibly pulled herself together, regaining her composure and possibly re-applying the mask that she turns outwards to the world.  She could have been any one of us, mothers holding everything in the most delicate balance, working so hard simply to cope with the everyday pressures while the world calls us ‘capable’ and ‘clever’ and ‘super’.

Oh to be able to let our guard down sometimes.  To be able to say, ‘I really need a break’ without being judged a basket-case or a failure.  And more importantly, not judging ourselves as such.  Whether working or stay-at-home, we are all simply trying to do the best by these funny, engaging and beautiful little individuals.  Their reliance on us is absolute (even though from the age of about seven it seems they would hotly deny it), our moral compass is their indication of right and wrong, our values their touchstones.

My parents jokingly say that my brother and I turned out alright despite them (with a few bumps along the way).  I now know this to mean that they did not obsess over the minutiae of our extra-curricular learning or whether we were learning vital social skills, these would come simply through our being a part of their world and learning as we went along.  There was so much less chatter about how to do everything and what was right and wrong and therefore, I wonder, fewer judgements of each other?

Don’t get me wrong, I know the resources available to parents now are quite amazing and provide a very real support to many many parents, as the use of online sites such as Mumsnet and Kidspot attest.  It is all too easy though to allow the constant flow of advice and information to overwhelm you, to feel as though you are the only one who doesn’t know how best to sooth a colicky baby, discipline a belligerent toddler, guide an older child through the rough and tumble of the playground.

We all have our inner voice, our gut instinct and the knowledge that there is no-one on earth who knows our children as we do.  We should perhaps turn inwards a bit more, listen to ourselves and not bow to the pressure of others’ perception.  We all deserve membership of the Motherhood Survival Club, a place of no-holds-barred mutual congratulation and understanding.  Life with small children is exhausting, bewildering and exhilarating.  There are no prizes for heroics and probably not a great deal of thanks at the end.  However, as we tell our children, as long as we try our best, are kind, and remember the old adage ‘do as you would be done by’, we should all come out relatively unscathed.

If you have managed to stomach my pontificating (as my Dad would call it), have a look at the post on Children’s Books, please add your own list, the diversity of favourites is amazing!